PREVIOUS CLASSES

Sohma Ray Hathaway author of ”Finding Diamonds in Dungeons”

• Sohma Rae taught our class on July 7, 2020 Click either link to purchase her book at Barnes and Noble or Amazon.

~Lisa McDougle author of “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”

• Lisa McDougle taught our class July 21 & 28, 2020. Click this link to purchase her book on Amazon. Review: “Honest, Intelligent, Inspirational, Funny. Warning! If You Pick It Up You Won’t Want to Put it Down. Honest. The first thing that struck me was how honest the book is. Straight talk without hesitation or obfuscation of any kind. The kind of honesty built over many years of dealing with the subject. The kind we need to gain insight into the minds of the dangerously insane. Intelligent. Lisa is obviously highly intelligent but the read is easy and conversational in narrative form. It is the powerful ideas she is conveying not the clinical diagnostic-ese so loved by those in the industry. Inspirational. Like so many of us who have heard her speak, you will be nodding your head muttering, Yes, Yes, Yes! as you realize the author understands your true situation. She shows you the light at the end of the tunnel and what could be on the other side. Whether staying in a merely irritating relationship or making your escape from the malevolent, abusive, dangerous or deranged. Funny. Her irrepressible humor comes through to lighten the quick-turning pages. She is one of the funniest, smartest, warmest, down-to-earth women you will ever read.”

• Mike Cheney’s Persogenics Classes September 2020 (5 weeks) handouts available. Email your request to beachainbreaker@gmail.com. To contact Mike Cheney directly call 801-330-4210.

• 10/6/2020 Class taught by Darren Johansen - Forgiveness

  • Darren explained that forgiveness is a liberating choice to let go of pain and hostility. It is NOT forgetting, or letting unsafe people back in to our lives. Resources: Exploring Forgiveness - by Robert Enright and Joanna North (A compilation of authors), The Healing Power of Forgiveness - by Charles Hobbs (the forgiveness process) and Forgive For Good -Fred Luskin

Education Classes

These free, educational classes are held Tuesday nights from 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. in our building, located at 165 North 1330 West, Suite A-1, Orem, UT. (Go west on Orem Center Street, under the freeway, and take the first right.) Classes are taught by a variety of professionals on many different subjects. Some of these professionals include therapists, attorneys, physicians, judges, motivational speakers, and authors.  Any adult—male or female—is welcome to attend. The material is not usually appropriate for children; however, teenagers often come with their parents.

Our classes are currently being held on Zoom. Please see the tab “weekly classes” for the link.

*We’d like to ask that you please refrain from wearing perfume or other scented body products to our classes. We have some women who have allergies and reactions to the odors, and we’d like to have everyone be able to attend class and enjoy it. Thank you.

Announcements and Events

We can always use volunteers. If you’d like to be a volunteer, please contact Joan at beachainbreaker@gmail.com or 801-234-0742.

For those not concerned about confidentiality, you can “like” us on Facebook for announcements and other information.

If you know of any events or have any announcements you would like to share, please e-mail Betty at beachainbreaker@gmail.com.

Children

The Right Touch, winner of the Benjamin Franklin Award, by Sandy Kleven, LCSW, illustrated by Jody Bergsma  Talks about appropriate and inappropriate touching and about talking to an adult if someone touches you in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

Some Secrets Hurt: A Story of Healing by Linda Kay Garner, illustrated by D. Brandilyn Speth  Talks about grown-ups not always being kind, even those who might be close to our family or in our family, and the importance of telling an adult if something bad happens so a child can get better.

A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret M. Holmes, illustrated by Cary Pillo  Talks about a child being affected by seeing something bad and how to deal with it.

Your Body Belongs to You by Cornelia Spelman, illustrated by Teri Weidner  Talks about appropriate and inappropriate touching in simple language, tells children they have the right to say no to others, including adults.

Adult

The 7: Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life by Glenn Beck and Keith Ablow Talks about facing your past.

A Light in Dark Places by Jennifer Graves and Emily Clawson

Abused BOYS: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence by Phillip W. Cook  For male victims.

Achieving the Balance by Leo Weidner and Mark Kastleman

An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall One woman’s experience of dealing with her husband’s pornography addiction.

The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict by Arbinger Institute

Answers to 100 Marriage Questions by Kenneth W. Matheson

The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism by John Lund

Bonds That Make Us Free by C. Terry Warner

The Broken Heart and the Believing Heart by Bruce Hafen

The Burning Within by Ranelle Wallace A woman’s true and inspiring story of survival after suffering deadly burns in a plane crash.

But He Never Hit Me by Jill A. Murray

But I Love Him: Protecting Your Teen Daughter by Jill Murray  About teens.

Captivating, Unveiling the Mysteries of the Woman’s Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge

Chain Breakers: A true story of healing from abuse by Michele R. Sorensen

Christlike Parenting: Taking the Pain Out of Parenting by Glenn Latham  Discusses parenting techniques using Christ’s example.

Clean Hands, Pure Heart by Philip A. Harrison An L.D.S. man’s story of overcoming pornography.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

The Color Code by Taylor Hartman, Ph.D. Describes four different personality types and tells you which one(s) you are.

Confronting Abuse by Anne L. Horton, B. Kent Harrison, and Barry L. Johnson  L.D.S. perspectives on abuse.

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans

The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

The Destructive Narcissistic Pattern by Nina W. Brown

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving & Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary

Don’t Leap With the Sheep: And Other Scriptural Strategies for Avoiding Satan’s Snares by S. Michael Wilcox

The Drug of the New Millennium: The Brain Science Behind Internet Pornography Use by Mark B. Kastleman

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel

Everyday Parents Raising Great Kids by Dr. James A. McArthur

Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting: The Astonishing Power of Feelings by Lynn Grabhorn

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers

Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol K. Truman

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Dr. Gary Chapman  Discusses the 5 different ways people express and feel love.

For All Eternity by Dr. John L. Lund

Forgive For Good by Dr. David Luskin

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life by Linda Martinez-Lewi

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix

The Gift of Fear, Survival Signals by Gavin DeBecker  Using your instincts and fears to better protect yourself, listening to and trusting those feelings.

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

Grieving: The Pain and the Promise by Deanna Edwards.

He Did Deliver Me From Bondage by Colleen C. Harrison Overcoming addictions.

Hearing the Voice of the Lord by Gerald Lund

Help, I’m in Love with a Narcissist by Steven Carter

Helping Her Get Free by Susan Brewster  For families with abused loved ones.

The Hidden Messages in Water by Masaru Emoto Amazing studies done with water that show how words and other things affect us.

The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom with John and Elizabeth Sherrill  The true story of Corrie and Betsie Ten Boom, survivors of concentration camps during World War II.

Hold on to Hope: Suggestions for L.D.S. Codependents by Hidden Treasures Institute

How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not to  by Janis Abrahms Spring

How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind by John Van Epp

How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic & Difficult to Love Personalities by Dr. John L. Lund

How to Hug a Teenage Porcupine by Dr. John L. Lund (Audio CD)

How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved by Sandra Brown

I Can’t Get Over It by Aphrodite Matsakis

I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better by Gary B. Lundberg

I Will Not Die an Unlived Life: Reclaiming Purpose and Passion by Dawna Markova

Instinctive Eating: Your Diet Replacement by Kristen B. Lamb  A guide to losing weight by eating what and when you want.

Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide by Harville Hendrix

The Key: The Missing Secret for Attracting Anything You Want by Joe Vitale

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Led by Faith: Rising from the Ashes of the Rwandan Genocide by Immaculee Ilibagiza The sequel to Left to Tell, Immaculee’s life after the genocide.

Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust by Immaculee Ilibagiza The true story of a woman who survived the Rwandan Holocaust.

Legacy of the Heart: Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood by Wayne Muller

Like Dragons Did They Fight by Lucas J. Reynolds and Maurice W. Harker

Living a Covenant Marriage by Douglas K. Brinley and Daniel K. Judd

Love Yourself, Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

Making Sense of Suffering by Wayne and Brickey

Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor E. Frankl

Matters of the Mind by Marleen S. Williams, Dean Belnap and John P. Livingston

The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher K. Germer, Ph.D.

Miss America By Day by Marilyn Van Derbur  The autobiography of Marilyn Van Derbur, her story of surviving sexual abuse.

Mother Had a Secret by Tiffany Fletcher A daughter’s perspective on growing up with a mother with multiple personalities, as a result of her traumatic childhood sexual abuse.

Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On by Cynthia Zayn and M.S. Kevin Dibble

New Personality Self-Portrait by John Oldham, M.D.

No Future Without Forgiveness by Desmond Tutu

“Not to People Like Us”: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages by Susan Weitzman

Outgrowing the Pain by Elian Gil, Ph.D.

Parental Power  by Paul H. Jenkins, Ph.D.

Parenting Teens with Love and Logic by Foster W. Cline and Jim Fay

Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster W. Cline and Jim Fay

The Peacegiver by James L. Ferrell  A story that teaches about forgiveness.

People of the Lie  by M. Scott Peck

The Power of Impossible Thinking: Transform the Business of Your Life and the Life of Your Business by Jerry Wind, Colin Crook, and Robert Gunther

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

The Power of the Other Hand by Lucia Capacchione

The Promise of the Atonement by Ester Rasband

Prospering Woman by Ruth Ross

Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) by Gavin DeBecker Offers insights into how to teach children to listen to their fears and instincts in order to protect themselves from danger.

The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms by Mary Beth Williams and Soili Poijula

Recovery of Your Inner Child by Lucia Capacchione  A workbook that helps you work through your emotions by drawing.

The Right to Innocence: Healing the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Beverly Engel, M.F.C.C.  Deals with several aspects of sexual abuse including anger, guilt, recovery, and dealing with family.  Very informative.

Sacred Innocence by Wendy M. Johnson An L.D.S. woman’s perspective on growing up in an abusive environment and how she worked on healing and raised her own family without abuse.

Saving Beauty from the Beast by Vicki Crompton and Ellen Zelda Kessner  About teens.

The Secret of the Shadow by Debbie Ford

Shattered Silence: The Untold Story of a Serial Killer’s Daughter by Melissa G. Moore with M. Bridget Cook

Shattered: Six Steps from Betrayal to Recovery by Bettyanne Bruin and Fay A. Klinger

Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work by Paul Babiak and Robert D. Hare

Starved Stuff: Feeding the 7 Basic Needs of Healthy Relationships by Matt Townsend

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne

The Silent Storm by Marion Marsh Brown and Ruth Crone, illustrated by Fritz Kedel  The inspiring biography of Annie Sullivan Macy–the woman who taught Helen Keller.

The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout

The Survivor’s Club: The Secrets and Science that Could Save Your Life by Ben Sherwood

Tough Times Never Last But Tough People Do by Robert Schuller

Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence From Domestic Violence to Political Terror by Judith Herman

The Traveler’s Gift by Andy Andrews A fictional story about a man in crisis meeting several different heroes and learning from them.

Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom A fictional story about a dying professor who teaches life lessons to one of his old students.

What Can I Do About Me? by Rhyll Anne Croshaw  Shines light on the darkness of pornography and sexual addiction, the trauma felt by loved ones, and the hope that recovery and peace are possible.

When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse by Lundy Bancroft

When Good Men Behave Badly by David B. Wexler  About abusers.

When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith

When Love Goes Wrong by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter

When Times Are Tough by John Bytheway Discusses 5 L.D.S. scriptures that will help get you through tough times.

When Your “Perfect Partner” Goes Perfectly Wrong: Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life by Mary Jo Fay

Who Really Cares: The Surprising Truth About Compassionate Conservatism by Arthur C. Brooks and James Q. Wilson

Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft  About abusers.

Why is it Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss and James F. Masterson

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson

Understanding Pornography and Sexual Addiction: A Resource for LDS Parents and Leaders by S.A. Lifeline Foundation

The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman’s Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Patricia Evans

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans

Zero Limits: The Secret Hawaiian System for Wealth, Health, Peace, and More by Joe Vitale and Ihaleakala Hew Len

Resources

Education and Employment

• Childluresprevention.com and teenluresprevention.com offer tips, products, and resources for teaching children and teens about safety.

• Division of Workforce Services offers employment, medical help, retroactive medical assistance, GED/training workshops, and food stamps. Call (801) 492-4500 in American Fork, (801) 342-2600 in Provo, (801) 794-6600 in Spanish Fork or go to www.jobs.utah.gov.

• Family of Literacy Center offers tutors for reading and math. Go to www.lehi-ut.gov/discover/rippy-literacy-center/literacy-center-contact/.

• L.D.S. Employment Services helps with employment, counseling, housing, food, and clothing. Call (801) 756-6079 in American Fork, (801) 491-7393 in Provo, (801) 798-5566 or go to www.ldsjobs.org.

• People Helping People Employment Assistance - Discover new opportunities, evaluate your current job, education and training. 205 North 400 West, Salt Lake City, Utah 84103 (801)583-5300 or 1-855-303-5300. If you don’t want to drive to the Salt Lake Office, you have the option of enrolling in the online program, It provides the same coaching, mentoring and employent workshops, but in an online classroom at https://marilyn143.wixsite.com/website

• Project READ offers adult literacy services for persons sixteen and over (no ESL). Call (801) 852-6654 or go to www.project-read.com.

• Turning Point (Center for Personal & Career Development) has classes on life skills, marriage relationships/parenting, academic/career/scholarship. Call (801) 863-7580 or go to www.uvu.edu/turningpoint/.

Food, Nutrition, and Shelter

• Community Action offers emergency food/housing help, commodities, heat program, mortgage counseling, youth & elderly programs. Call (801) 373-8200 or go to www.communityactionuc.org.

• Food and Care Coalition serves emergency food three meals a day. They offer free hygiene products for low-income families, shower/laundry, computer lab, emergency shelter aide, and possible dental aide. Call (801) 373-1825 or go to www.foodandcare.org.

• United Way - Dial 211 - this is a nationwide number. Give them your zip code and they can direct you to community resources in your area. Housing, food, medical, dental, mental health, etc.

• Grocery Smarts is a free, online program where you can print coupons, find sales, and discover ways to save money on groceries. Go to www.grocerysmarts.com, and enter the passport g84csb.

• Housing Authority of Utah County provides decent, affordable housing to low-income families. Call (801) 373-8333.

• Neighborhood Housing Services of Provo provides loans for home improvement and ownership. Call (801) 375-5820.

• Provo Housing Authority offers subsidized housing for low-income Provo residents. Call (801) 852-7080.

• Utah County Housing Authority offers Utah County subsidized housing, public housing, and self-sufficiency program. Call (801) 373-8333 or go to www.co.utah.ut.us/Dept/Hauc/index.asp.

• WIC has a nutrition program for pregnant, breastfeeding, post-partum women, and infants/children under five. Call 1-877-WIC-KIDS or go to www.health.utah.gov/wic/.

General

• The Chainbreaker Foundation provides free, educational classes on Tuesday nights, free clothing, mentoring, humanitarian service opportunities, and a library. For more information on classes, click on Weekly Classes. The library and service opportunities are also provided at the classes. For mentoring, call Joan at (801) 756-5263.

• Deseret Industries. Call (801) 373-7920. For locations, go to deseretindustries.org/locations?lang=eng. The ChainBreaker Foundation has D.I. vouchers for those who need it. If you need one, contact Joan at (801) 756-5263.

• KSL.com has a section in their classifieds with free items, ranging from furniture to clothing to tools. Go to www.ksl.com, click on “Classifieds,” and go to the “Free” section.

• Rel8gr8.com provides information on improving relationships from Jonathan D. Sherman, LMFT. Go to www.rel8gr8.com.

• United Way provides information and referrals to individuals. Call (801) 374-2588 (main line), (801) 374-6400 (information and referral center) or go to www.unitedwayuc.org.

• Utah Cares connects people with services. Go to www.utahcares.utah.gov.

• Verbalabuse.com is a website done by Patricia Evans, author of many books about verbal abuse. It provides information about verbal abuse, workshops, and resources. Go to www.verbalabuse.com.

• The winonline.com offers resources to women. Go to www.thewinonline.com.

Legal

• BYU Law Help provides legal advice and assistance without representation, clinics for immigrants. Call (801) 422-3025.

• Law Help has a lawyer referral service and general help. Call (801) 531-9077 or go to www.utahbar.org.

• Utah Legal Services offers free legal services for low-income families. Call 1-800-662-4245 or go to www.andjusticeforall.org/uls.

Medical

• CHIP provides insurance for uninsured children 0-18 years old who do not qualify for Medicaid. This is available only during open enrollment. Call 1-888-222-2542 or go to www.health.utah.gov/chip.

• Community Health Connect helps find community health resources/fill out paperwork. Call (801) 818-3011 or go to www.communityhealthconnect.org.

• Medicaid has a medical assistance program. Call (801) 465-8537 in Payson or (801) 374-7750 in Provo.

• Mountainlands Community Health Center is a non-profit primary health care system based in Provo. They offer discounts on certain services based on income and family size. Call 801-429-2000, or go to www.mountainlands.org.

• Primary Care Network offers health insurance to eligible low-income adults with children under eighteen. Call 1-888-222-2542 or go to http://health.utah.gov/pcn.

• RehabCenter.net is an organization dedicated to connecting people seeking addiction treatment to the resources they need to succeed. Go to http://www.rehabcenter.net/.

• Utah County Health Department offers several clinics. Call *801) 851-7000 or go to www.utahcountyonline.com.

• Utah Family Health Line provides information regarding available health services. Call 1-800-472-4716 or go to www.informationandreferral.org.

• Utah Poison Control Center (UPCC) is a 24-hour resource for poison information and poison prevention. Call 1-800-222-1222 or go to www.utahpoisoncontrol.org.

• Utah Vaccines for Children (VFC) provides no-cost or low-cost vaccines at all Utah County Health Department locations and numerous doctor’s offices. Call 1-800-275-0659 or go to www.immunize-utah.org/.

• Volunteer Care Clinic offers free general health care to low-income individuals with no insurance Tuesdays and Thursdays from 5-7 p.m. Call (801) 812-8094.

Mental Health

• Aspire Academy, taught by Cassandra Casey, offers the Nedley Depression Recovery Program. Call her at (801) 787-2079 or send an e-mail to aspire.academy.director@gmail.com.

• Candeo.com offers a personal e-learning system for recovering from pornography addiction. Go to www.candeocan.com.

• Crisis Line (anonymous) helps with depression, abuse, relationships and sex problems, loneliness and financial problems 24 hours a day. Call (801) 226-4433.

• L.D.S. Family Services offers support groups and counseling. Call (801) 422-7620 in Provo, (801) 216-8000 in American Fork or go to www.ldsfamilyservices.org.

• Wasatch Mental Health offers therapy for low-income families. They have a sliding scale. Call (801) 373-4760, (801) 373-7393 (crisis line) or go to www.wasatch.org.

• heart-t-heart.org provides a 12-step recovery program for addicts of all kinds, including pornography, drugs, and so on. Go to www.heart-t-heart.org.

Neglect and Abuse

• Center for Women and Children in Crisis offers protected shelter, a 24-hour hotline, rape crisis, women/children domestic violence support groups. Call (801) 377-5500, (801) 356-2511 or 1-888-421-1100 (rape crisis line), or go to www.cwcic.org.

• Child Help USA has a 24-hour hotline, crisis help for children and adults for treatment and prevention of abuse and neglect. Call 1-800-4-A-CHILD or go to www.childhelpusa.org.

• Children’s Justice Center offers therapy referrals/funding for child and family abuse. Call (801) 851-8554 or go to www.utahcountyonline.org/Dept/CJC/index.asp.

• Family Support and Treatment Center has a 24-hour a day abuse prevention/drop-off center for parents and individual and group therapy. Call (801) 229-1181 or go to www.utahvalleyfamilysupport.org.

• ISAT Specialized Abuse Treatment Center offers protective services. Call (801) 373-0210.

• Protective Services (DCFS) offers treatment and referrals for child/adult abuse and neglect. Call (801) 492-3320 in American Fork, (801) 224-7820 in Orem, (801) 374-7257 in Provo, or go to www.hsdcfs.state.ut.us.

Parenting and Family

• Baby Your Baby provides information about pregnancy, labor and delivery, as well as financial assistance and referral. Call 1-800-826-9662 or go to www.babyyourbaby.org.

• Child Car Seat Program offers classes and low cost toddler car seats (not infants). You must be on Medicaid, WIC, or food stamps. Call (801) 851-7035.

• Headstart-Mountainland offers income eligible preschool for those three to four years old by September 1st. Call (801) 375-7981.

• Office of Recovery Services helps recover child support payments. Call (801) 374-7233 or go to www.ors.utah.gov.

• Utah Office of Child Care offers day care for work, school, or other training. They have a sliding fee. Call (801) 342-2600 or go to www.jobs.utah.gov.

• Welcome Baby offers a home-visitation program for first-time parents of infants in English and Spanish. Call (801) 374-8108.

• Women’s Health.Gov has women’s health information from the Federal Government. Call 1-800-994-WOMAN (9662) or go to www.womenshealth.gov.

Transportation

• UTA Bus is a transportation system. They have reduced fare for the disabled and seniors. Go to www.rideuta.com.

• Utah Valley Paratransit provides services for the disabled who can’t ride buses. Call (801) 374-9306 or go to www.unitedwayuc.org.

Utilities/Energy/Heating

• R.E.A.C.H. (American Red Cross) offers assistance with emergency heating and public utilities. Call (801) 373-8580 or go to redcrossut.org.

• State Energy Office provides information regarding conserving energy. Go to www.energy.utah.gov.

• The Weatherization Assistance Program provides free weatherization for those who are income-eligible. Call (801) 373-8333, ext. 101 or go to housinguc.org/weatherization-assistance/weatherization/.

If You Choose To Divorce

Make a Safety Plan for You and the Children

• If you are in danger, call the Women’s Shelter for Women and Children (801-377-5500).
• Are your children in danger?  Do they know who to call in an emergency or where to run for help?  Go to Child’s Safety Plan.

Keep Records

• Keep a journal of abuse. Use a spiral notebook or any bound book that pages cannot be inserted into, and write details.  Include dates and times. It can be used in court for evidence.  Keep it hidden.

Get Legal Help

• For information on finding legal help in Utah,  go to www.youtube.com/user/utahstatecourts. They have free information; listen to the film clip.
• Get temporary custody of the children. You can go to the Provo 4th District Court (125 North 100 West, Provo) on the 2nd and 4th Tuesday from 1 -3 p.m. and get free legal advice. Before going, go to www.ut.courts.gov and get the online documentation. Fill it out and take it with you.
• You can also go to Utah Legal Services (455 North University # 100, Provo) or call 801-374-2766. You will do a short intake interview and then talk to a legal person.  They have help for all kinds of legal problems. They will need your name, birth date, monthly income, how many people that income supports, your assets, race and gender.
• Ask friends for suggestions for lawyers if you can afford one.
• ChainBreaker volunteers may be able to help give suggestions.
• Do not represent yourself.
• You may also contact the victim’s advocate in your city for help. They cannot give you legal advice, but they have legal experience so they can give suggestions and steer you in the right direction.
• For help working with a lawyer, go to How to Choose a Lawyer.

Prepare Financially

• Get copies of tax forms, bank statements, paycheck stubs, and mortgages; put them in a safe place, probably not in the home.
• Put money aside to help you.
• Ask family if they can help in any way.
• Go to jobs.utah.gov to find information about food stamps, child care, medical and financial help. You can fill out the forms and take them with you for the interview.
• Community Action Food Bank for low income families (801-377-8200) can help with deposits and 1st month’s rent if you can prove you can take care of it after that. They have emergency car repair help, bus tokens, gasoline and household items. They also have free classes and seminars to help you become self-reliant and empowered. (Wed. 6-7:30 and Saturday 9-10:30 a.m.) Call before going.
• If you need help with rent, get on the Housing Authority List. The Housing Authority of Utah County is located at 240 E. Center, Provo, 801-373-8333. The Provo City Housing Authority is located at 650 W. 100 N, Provo, 801-852-7080.
• For utilities help, go to http://housing.utah.gov/seal.
• WIC can help you learn about nutrition and can provide healthy foods for you if you are pregnant or nursing and for your children that are under 5. Go to www.health.utah.gov/wic or call 1-877-wic-kids.
• Advocates may have access to emergency victim funds.
• If you need medical help, go to Mountainlands Family Health Center: 589 S. State, Provo, 801-429-2001, or 910 E. 100 N. Suite 151, Payson, 801-465-1891. You can also go to www.mountainlands.org

Work

• Get help from Job Workforce Services at jobs.utah.gov.
• LDS Employment Center has classes for interviewing, resumes and a lot of support.
• If you need clothing for work, ChainBreakers has some clothing you can see at the building Tuesday nights from 6 to 7 p.m. before class. UVU Turning Point Women’s Resource Center (801-863-8080) has clothing (801-863-7580 for appointment) and other classes you can take.

Get a Protective Order

• You can do this by calling the victim’s advocate in your city; they can help you and give you other advice.  Every city has an advocate; you can call the police station or the court house to find out who it is.  Advocates are not required to report anything except child abuse so it is easy to talk to them.
• Alpine- Kathy 801-368-7122
• American Fork- Dawna 801-763-3020
• Orem- RaNae 801-229-7128
• Pleasant Grove- Rochelle 801-404-6073

Get Counseling for You and your Children

• If you have insurance, check your provider list.
• Check with clergy.
• Call Family Support and Treatment Center (1255 North 1200 West, Orem) at 801-229-1181. You need to make an appointment for an intake interview. All services are charged according to your income. They have play therapy for the children and counseling for adults. They have babysitting while you get counseling. Children under 8 do well with play therapy. They have parenting classes also. They have a respite nursery, a place to drop off your children if you are in distress or can’t care for them. (This is a time to cool off instead of harming your children.)
• Advocates may be able to qualify you for Crime Victims Reparations, a state program that pays for therapy for you and your children.
• Call UVU Turning  Point at 801-863-8080. They have a Successful Life Management Class and a WISP Program to help with school if you decide you want to go to school.

Take Care of Yourself

• Read self-help books. For a list of recommended reading, go to Good Books. The Utah Domestic Violence Council Website, UVDC.org, has a list of books, too. They also have a free online course about domestic violence.
• Attend classes.
• Take time to enjoy your children.
• Take time to relax and have fun.

How To Choose A Lawyer

Brooke Wilkins (attorney):

When do you need a lawyer?

• Law cannot heal, only provide measure of safety and security
• Pray and listen for inspiration re: choosing a lawyer
• Divorce, children, property all call for a lawyer
• Never sign any legal docs. without them being reviewed by a lawyer
• Don’t need lawyer to get a protective order, but you might

1st comes a temporary protective order to help in case of threat of harm for emergencies; can determine temporary custody, can restrict a person from coming to your house

A protective order is for when you are living with someone; restraining order is for any other situation

There are filing fees with the court.

Every police dept. has a victim advocate and for free will help you fill out papers. I am the petitioner if I am the person filing the forms.

How do you find a lawyer?

• Go to Utah Bar website and use their referral service (info on length of practice, their locations, etc.) maybe not anymore
• Talk to people for referrals especially; draw from a network of people; pray for inspiration
• Is it true that the better the lawyer, the more you’ll pay generally, YES; still, the advice is to talk to people
• Talk about money and fees right up front

How will I pay you, how do you charge, what’s your retainer, what’s your rate, how will you bill me and what will you bill me for; do you have a paralegal that can do work at a reduced rate? Etc. etc.

• Montgomery is a rating system that can also be looked at (peer-rated)

When you are with a lawyer and working with them:

• Be succinct and organized
• Stick to the facts; lawyers are not good counselors and deal best with facts
• Bring a friend; they can help you stay focused and stick to facts and also process what you hear (it may not be what you want to hear)
• Be honest
• Keep a journal so you can document (considered as court evidence); avoids the “he said, she said” situation; don’t let him know about the journal (guard it and keep it private); email journals are good because they automatically log date and time
• What’s the best way to keep track of child support? ORS (Office of Recovery Services keeps track); deposit check in separate account, keep copies of check; what if they hand cash? Request money orders rather than checks and cash
• There are 2 kinds of custody, legal and physical

Physical means you have the kids and are day to day raising them

Legal custody is about big global decisions and legal responsibility

When journaling, include activities and whereabouts of children all the time (to protect them)

If you don’t want his girlfriend in your child’s life, yet you still want child support, hope his name isn’t on the birth certificate; 12-year-olds cannot decide whom they will live with (at age 16 they can); get written agreement through a mediator to modify the court order if there’s ever abuse that can be proven

Mediation is less costly and will come up with more amenable decisions

Courts make the decision on legal emancipation (re: children petitioning before age 18; there’s usually another support system in the child’s life)

There’s a difference between physical residency and legal custody also; statutes determine visitation according to standardizedrules; go to mediation beforehand to work out something that works best for you

Termination of parental rights: he has to be served properly with notice; if he can’t be reached, public notice can be considered as proper service

Can we use a Bishop’s evaluation as evidence? YES, although it may not carry as much weight as you hope; round up letters of evaluation and testimony as quickly as you can

If father’s income goes down, how would he change the amount of child support to be paid? (Use ORS) Most orders take into account that incomes change; must do a court order; child support must be paid on children until age 18–no difference between men and women

A protective order can provide rules about child support; if you start divorce proceedings when he is in prison, he can be served for sure

How do you pay a lawyer?

• No matter what, you will be paying your lawyer, no such thing as a contingency fee; likely flat rates for simple straight forward situations; most family law is not simple and straight forward
• Retainers are the rule and after it is exhausted, you’ll be billed
• If you fire your attorney, any money that hasn’t been used, is returned to you; contact the Bar Association if this isn’t the case for you
• Once the retainer is used up, refresh your retainer (pay him again, perhaps the same amount or less, but keep putting it in); your relationship will be helped a LOT if you keep your fees paid up
• If you can’t respect your lawyer, the judges don’t respect them, so get another one; always have your attorney that they put things in writing
• Joan advises we look the attorney in the eye and ask him if he has time to do the job well (see the book The Smart Divorce); sign a written fee agreement once you decide whom you will hire, read it carefully
• Lawyers are risk-averse people; how do we know attorneys are doing their job? They usually only use the information you give them (there are services you can pay to check accounts); how do you track an ex’s income goes up (ORS every three years will do a re-evaluation to adjust child support, work with them)
• IRAs are part of the divorce agreement (along with all other equitable divisions); courts decide the division of assets, so you keep track ofall financial records; there is a “discovery” process that helps during divorce proceedings; it can be expensive, but that is how you get financial information

Custody Evaluator is not a lawyer, but a therapist, social worker, counselor and they provide information for the court that is used by the judge to determine custody and they rely heavily on it; their info carries HUGE weight

Guardian Ad Litem talks with children, is a children’s lawyer and represents the children’s interests in court; sometimes they charge and the charge can be shared

Special master is given power to make decisions that deals with the nitty gritty orders of the court regarding children and you have to go to the court to get it changed; court will appoint one (attorney will help you find one ); judge relies HEAVILY on the Special Master’s opinion and report (not always attorneys), just for children’s issues

Healing From Sexual Abuse

The following is an excerpt from an L.D.S. talk given by Chieko N. Okazaki entitled, “Healing From Sexual Abuse.” To read the complete talk, go to http://www.byub.org/talks/Talk.aspx?id=1136.

“Sexual abuse is a problem for all of us, both men and women, whether we have experienced it personally or not. The most conservative statistic I have heard is that one woman in ten is sexually abused before she is eighteen. The worst I have heard is that the figure is closer to one in three. One in three. A comparable statistic for the sexual abuse of boys is one in ten, and researchers feel that the sexual abuse of boys is even more severely underreported than the sexual abuse of girls.”
“Now think about the worst statistics: one in three. If you are a woman, it means that you have a 33 percent chance of being that woman. If you are a man, it means that your wife, your mother, or your daughter, may be that woman. If you have three daughters, if you have three sisters, if you have three daughters-in-law, if you have three granddaughters, this terrible evil could have entered your family’s life with or without your knowledge. Consider the men in your life. Think about your sons and grandsons, your missionary companions. Did one of them struggle silently with this spiritual burden? . . . the statistical odds are that one of them bore this grievous, invisible wound. . . . Sexual abuse is a problem for all . . . women and all . . . men everywhere.”

A Poor Marriage Risk

Author Unknown

Picture, if you will, a lovely couple as they kneel at the altar in the temple, their hearts pounding with excitement as they hold each other by the right hand and listen as the officiator marries them for time and all eternity. Thereafter, they softly tell each other of their enduring love in words they’ve written themselves. Who could know that in just two short years they would be thousands of miles apart, separated by bitterness, hatred and divorce? As an attorney, I see this happening all too often. Divorces are surging all over the United States. Including those in the LDS culture.

Young ladies, how can you avoid what I have just described to you? The fact is that most of you enter into marriage with less thought given to the building materials of a good marriage than you put into the building materials of a fence around your house. Building a solid marriage is a tough task, but you can test the strength and durability of the materials before your marriage construction begins. But, you say, that will take the romance out of the courtship and marriage! No, but what it will do is make sure the love, warmth and understanding are kept alive and that your marriage has the best possible chance of enduring the strains and stresses of living in a time when so many other marriages are tragically cracking apart. What I’d like to do here today is help you know where to look and how to interpret what you see. The plain fact of the matter is–certain types of young men are very poor marriage risks. Please, don’t slide into matrimony along a path of moonbeams and stardust alone. If you do, you’ll be in for a painful awakening.

May I show you what attorneys, marriage counselors, bishops and other church leaders have found to be the characteristics in a young man, which constitute a poor marriage risk and almost always dooms a relationship to failure?

1. The boy who has continuing conflict with his own family. If he is surly and disrespectful to his parents, his brothers and sisters and others in his family, you can bet that when the romantic glow wears off, he will act the same way toward you. How do you spot this type of person? Does he treat his family with consideration and respect or does he show little affection to them? Does he share the home tasks with the realization that he must pull his own weight? If he doesn’t, he is a terrible marriage risk!

2. The Jealous Type. Does the boy always demand to know where you’ve been and whom you’ve seen when you weren’t with him? Does he ever make up stories to trap you into “confessing?” And, do you rationalize this away by saying, “Well, it really proves he loves me?” You are on dangerous ground. The girl who marries a boy afflicted with an abnormal jealousy is buying herself a lot of grief. She’ll find herself involved in bad emotional scenes; she’ll find she’s forced to defend herself constantly against unwarranted accusations and it will make it difficult for her to maintain her identity as a person. Excessive, unjust jealousy is a persecuting emotion that can torture a woman.

3. The boy who can’t handle money. Is he always broke? Does he have to borrow money from friends? Does he have a savings account? If he’s unable to budget or live within his means as a youth, the chances are high that he won’t do any better as an adult, in fact, he could become worse.

4. The boy with the “I” complex. Does he constantly steer the conversation to himself and his plans and problems? When you go out, do you always end up going where he wants to go? If you talk to him about an incident that involves you and your feelings, does he respond with empathy or does he just appear to listen with one ear without showing you that he really knows how you feel or that he really wants to know how you feel? That kind of man will make a lousy husband. A wife to such a man will merely be an appendage to him. He will be involved in is own aims and personal needs and rarely hers.

5. The “super rebel.” While a little bit of youthful rebellion is common, the super rebel goes off the deep end. People like him want the world to change instead of changing himself. These individuals are unable to tolerate any restriction on their behavior and actions. They resist any sort of authority or control; they are constantly battling the system. the super rebel will be job-hopping from one job to another as he quarrels with bosses and co-workers. He may also get into trouble with the law as he violates traffic rules or worse.

6. The opposite one. The old saying that “opposites attract” overlooks the fact that the attraction between opposites is usually based on friction. Friction may lead to excitement during courtship, but in every day living it degenerates into two people rubbing each other the wrong way. Compatibility between extremely different personality types is very rare. Life with this type of person would be a constant friction and end in unhappiness.

7. The boy who has many acquaintances but no close friends. The inability to develop lasting relationships with friends should be a red flag to a girl. It tends to show, that despite achievement and even brilliance in other areas, a young man may not be able to develop a close relationship with a wife either.

8. The boy with a short fuse or bad temper. There is nothing masculine or manly about a bad temper. A bad temper is nothing more or less than a sign of emotional immaturity. This type of person demands instant gratification. When he doesn’t get it his own way, look out! Watch for the young a man who flies frequently into rages and gets into fights with his friends and others. The chances are very good he will treat you the same way. In fact, if you are having frequent fights with him during the courtship, that will not improve after marriage–it will only get worse!

I’ve said a great deal about the characteristics you should watch out for, now let’s talk a little bit about the characteristics you should expect in a lifelong companion.

1. He should not have any of the eight characteristics that I’ve already described to any significant degree.
2. He should be as much like you as possible. You should have similar backgrounds, a common religion and life goals that are the same. In other words, marry someone with as few differences as possible.
3. He should be able to communicate. Many experts consider the ability to talk about feelings and problems as the prime factor in developing a healthy marriage. Be very cautious about a young man, who early in any conversation, gets angry and refuses to talk as soon as he sees it is not going his way.
4. He should stimulate you intellectually and spiritually, helping you to think, analyze and discover.
5. He should be tolerant, willing to listen to logical arguments and change an opinion or attitude if shown to be wrong.
6. He should be considerate of your feelings.
7. He should be able to provide adequate financial security.
8. He should attract you physically.
9. He should understand that the fact that he is called to “preside” over the family, does not make hm the “boss.” His calling to be a husband and father is a priesthood calling and the Doctrine & Covenants makes it clear in Section 121: 39-45 that he is not authorized to preside in any way except through persuasion, long suffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned, kindness, pure knowledge, without hypocrisy, without guile, and with charity.

The last thing in the world I want to do is try to dictate what you should do and whom you should marry. If I did, you would not listen anyway. I do hope, however, that you will realize that there are those with experience and wisdom superior to yours and that with a little attention and consideration of them, they can help you avoid a lifetime of unhappiness. There is nothing on this earth that can fill you with the unspeakable joy, happiness, love and fulfillment, of a good marriage. On the other hand, there is nothing in this life that can make you more miserable, and fill you with more despair and frustration, than an unhappy marriage.